Finally Free!!!

I have been in the hospital since October of last year until the end of last month. I cannot even begin to tell you how weird it is to be home. Not a bad weird but weird none the less. Between listening to the birds sing to dick bags driving their cars too fast down the road all of the noises are taking some time to get used to again. I wake up a lot at night, which is probably a mix of habit from getting my vitals checked every four hours and not being used to all of the stimulation of home.


Why have I been in the hospital all of this time? Tumors. Freaking tumors needing radiation and lots of chemo which caused my blood counts to mess up, me to get even sicker, and to have to work super freaking hard to be able to do normal things again. For a while I couldn’t hold my bladder at all and had to have a toilet beside my bed lest I urinate all over myself trying to get to it. I could barely walk with a walker, my hands would shake if I tried to use the phone, and typing or writing was nonexistent in my world. Even my vision betrayed me and went blurry for three months so I couldn’t even read! I had nothing to do in my spare time for a few months besides watching some blurry TV and practice using my muscles again.


I have come a long way since being admitted into the hospital last year. I am typing now and I don’t shake when I use my hands for writing or texting. The biggest thing that has changed in my world, and one of the things that everyone is amazed and happy about, is that I am walking without my walker. Even the nurses were happily surprised to see me walking without in around their station, and the nurses who met me for the first time were shocked at how far I’ve come.


While I have made a lot of progress in half a year, and I am proud of myself, I am also having to realize some uncomfortable truths. One of these truths is that my life will never be like it was before. My idea of normal has changed completely and I have to accept this fact even if it is hard to do so.

I have to carry a fanny pack on my left shoulder (because I refuse to wear it on my waist) that has my meds attached to me via tubes instead of my favorite white purse. The Hubby has taken up that job though so I am still able to have it near me. The essentials that used to be in it will now have to change thanks to my needs changing. From just a wallet and some knickknacks to a baggy with saline flushes, heparin, alcohol swabs, and other medical supplies just in case I need them while I’m out. I won’t be able to hold down a regular job thanks to going into the hospital for chemo every three weeks and possibly having to stay longer or go in sooner for other causes.


While getting used to all of these things is going to take some time I cannot begin to express how happy I am to be having to get used to them. Having Stage 4 cancer usually means a death sentence. Somehow I was lucky enough for it to simply mean incurable and I have a good chance of it going into remission where I will only have to do a maintenance dose to keep it at bay or it not go into remission and continue with the chemo dose. Either way there will be chemo every 3 weeks for the rest of my life to help keep the tumors away and keep it from spreading further into my bones. While this would have scared me last year during the beginning of all of this I can honestly say that it doesn’t anymore. It makes me happy that I have this wonderful chance to continue to old age, wrinkles and all.


Midweek Seizure

The Hubby had a grand mal seizure Wednesday morning. He was going to the bathroom after a late night of movies and just talking when it struck. I heard him hit the bathroom door where he not only broke the wood but got stuck causing his neck to be bent at a strange angle while seizing. The fall and strange angle worried me as well as the knowledge that I was too weak to move him to a safer breathing position so I called the paramedics. I called his mother as soon as they let me off the phone so she could come get me and head to the hospital.


Lawrence Sr was on his way over, thankfully, so he was able to sit with me and calm me down while I waited for my MIL. He offered to stay behind to clean up some since there were some things that still needed picked up, one of the cats had vomited and Bailey was eyeballing it pretty hard. Sometimes I think dogs are the grossest animals on the planet with all of the things they put in their mouths.

When we got to the hospital I let the nurse know that he had hit his head and seized at a strange angle since the Hubby thought that it was a ‘normal’ seizure. That, coupled with the the headache before and after the seizure, caused them to order a CT scan to make sure everything was okay. Thankfully the scan turned up normal but the rest of the after seizure wasn’t normal. He is normally sore after a large seizure but this time he was so weak he couldn’t stand on his own. He had to have two people help him into a wheelchair to leave and use my walker when we got home. We were all really worried since he had to call into work the next day as well because he was still too weak.


Thankfully he is able to walk and move around now with better ease which means he is going to work today. This is good for a number of reasons besides a paycheck. I can now use my walker to go to the bathroom without having to worry about him needing it at the same time. His stomach muscles are still really sore but that is most likely from a combo of the seizure and him coughing. Hopefully this weekend he can get some more rest and be less sore by Monday.

Stage What?!

I’m so sorry I’ve been quiet through this but a month or so ago I lost most of my fine motor skills. Couldn’t write, draw, and barely could get my foot into a shoe without it taking three or more minutes. I’ve been working on it though and now, as you can see, I can type again and write a couple of paragraphs an hour. Yay for progress!

At the very beginning of my cancer battle I was told that my cancer was only in my nasal passage and lymph node; that it hadn’t spread anywhere else and was considered to be stage 3. On October 10th I learned that the man I trusted with my treatment, essentially my life, had lied to me about this. The cancer was actually considered stage 4 and had spread to spots on multiple bone sights including my spine. As you can imagine this didn’t go over very well with me.

I was furious, betrayed, hurt, and so confused as to why my doctor would lie to me about this for so long. He had months to tell me that he had misread my first pet scan, to help me accept the news, and to answer all of the questions and concerns I am having now. As my voice rose my mother in law tried to calm me down by attempting to justify his actions and telling me it didn’t matter because of how far we’d come anyways. His partner, the poor man who had to break the news, did the same thing. I told them that how far I’d come was not the point. The point was that there was no reason good enough for him to keep this from me. This lie was too big to be forgiven, the trust needed for him to treat me was gone, and I no longer wanted him as my doctor.

Since that day I have been so afraid. There are so many questions I don’t have the answer to, so many concerns and fears, and absolutely nobody to turn to for help. It has been a living nightmare for me mentally and emotionally having to go through with this with no doctor to answer the questions I have.

Though I’m replacing my oncologist my current radial oncologist still went ahead and scheduled my pet scan for today and is still willing to do my radiation. This pet scan will show if there is any live cancer in my bones and where it is located. Once he goes through the findings he can let me know where he will be giving me the radiation, or telling me that there is too much living and not being able to do anything. The latter is my biggest fear.

At first he had planned on seeing me December 1st to discuss the findings but that date was too far away for any of our comfort. Right now we have no idea what is going on inside of my body! So today, after the scan, my mother in law went and talked to someone while the Hubby and I sat in the hallway. She was able to get the date moved up to two weeks from now instead. While it is so much sooner than December those two weeks are still going to be hell. I am about to learn my future and I know my mind will be bouncing between the hope that the chemo worked and the dread that it didn’t.

On a positive note though I have a primary care physician that has gotten me a appointment with a new oncologist next month.

A New House

The hubby and I have moved into a house in a small town right outside of Tulsa. I think it is a suburb but the hubby insists on it being its own town. I never wanted to move outside of Tulsa but with cheaper rent, closer to family, and a fenced in yard for Bailey I was convinced. With this cheaper rent I was able to get cable so now I can vegetate in front of hgtv when I’m outside the hospital.

The house was originally a one bed and one bath but the previous owners decided to add another bedroom outside the laundry room. Now I have laundry in my hallway but I also have to make sure that they did a decent job with this room. The outside brick wasn’t replaced with Sheetrock, I can already tell you that. They really didn’t do a good job of making a bedroom but the hubby and I are determined for it to work. After I’m better of course since it has a step leading down to it as well (they didn’t even level it with the house!).

We don’t have everything moved from one house to the other yet and do have a deadline from summer stone. Thankfully they were understanding that we couldn’t continue paying almost $730 in rent thanks to me having cancer. Instead of having to pay to full months plus $1000 to break lease we only have to play one month. The house is almost completely packed and ready to move into the new house.

I never thought I would live in a suburb but with me being sick it makes the most sense. The Hubby’s family is close by so they are able to help me during the day or come to our rescue during the night. And with the rent so much lower it will really help us with a single income and him having to miss days for himself and because of me. I’m also hoping that once I find a hobby that I can sell it will be able to do some renovations (bathroom, kitchen, and back porch).

One of my favorite parts of the house is the backyard. It’s big, fenced in, and there is a covered porch that I have fix up. Once it’s done it will be wonderful to sit outside during nice weather and watch Bailey play in his own turf.